I finally got annoyed tonight at how far behind the blog has been. So I sat down about 2 hours ago, started typing, and got caught up. Now, here comes a long, stream of consciousness blog about why I might stop blogging entirely.
I started this blog because I wanted to work on my writing. I thought that if I had a "structure" which encouraged me to write every day, I would do so. It mostly worked, although there were many days I skipped writing and then caught up later. The reason I wanted to write every day was I believed (and still believe) that, generally speaking, people get better at anything they practice every day. I wanted to get better at writing. Therefore, I needed to write every day. This is a big part of the reason I named the blog "Island Daily". (Another part was simply that I liked the way that particular phrase sounded.)
So that all worked - the structure of the blog and the name (which I took as a personal challenge) certainly encouraged me to write, if not daily, at least often. Something else happened that I hadn't expected, though. When I decided to write daily in a public space, I started getting feedback. I had expected - and partially even hoped for - that. What I hadn't been able to anticipate, however, was the types of feedback I would get. And I got many kinds - praising, questioning, argumentative, positive, neutral. I didn't publish every comment I received, but I read - and felt - every single one.
Which brings me to the other thing I hadn't anticipated - the way any feedback (or even a complete lack of feedback) would affect me. Plainly put, I care far too deeply what others think of me. All kinds of feedback had some effect on me. When I got positive feedback like "I read your blog every day", I would think "I had better blog consistently so I won't disappoint that person". I responded to argumentative feedback by feeling defensive, and sometimes I was even rude or snarky in response. When I got no feedback at all (especially for long periods), I questioned whether anyone was even reading the blog, which brought me back to thinking about why I was writing it in the first place - if it was for me, to practice my writing, why did I care whether anyone was reading it?
What I now see started happening as a result of my feelings about the feedback was that the way I wrote (including what topics I chose, and whether I wrote much at all or just posted pictures or copied and pasted items I'd received from others) was becoming, for lack of a better term, managed by my feelings about the feedback. I would think "oh, if I write this, someone will think..." and so I would erase that sentence, or add another to explain it.
I realized that the writing voice I put out here on Island Daily wasn't necessarily a reflection of who I am when two separate commenters called me "pollyanna-ish". I initially thought that these were obviously people who don't know me, because I'm far from pollyanna. I'm seriously cynical, terribly judgmental much more of the time than I should be, often melancholy, and occasionally bordering on becoming a total misanthrope. My life is actually very difficult, much too full, and sometimes mind numbingly boring in its daily sameness (many days, I really just don't have anything to write about). But that person didn't show so much on the blog. Which, in a way, was okay. Island Daily was the place where I intentionally focused on the positive, and on the amazing blessings that are a part of my life because I live on Ocracoke Island.
It was also the place where I was intentionally trying to find my voice. When I started blogging, I had been married for several years, and had recently found myself talking (and thinking) in plural all the time ("we" did this, "we" are planning that). So I was very specific, when I started blogging, to write in first person and try to make it about my life as an individual human being (even though I just happen to be one half of a married couple). This probably sounds ridiculous to any of you who have not struggled with this issue, but it was huge and important for me.
So where am I going with all this? Well, that individual voice I was trying to find got lost somewhere along the way of having to deal with the feelings I had when I received feedback from readers. Because I was managing my writing based on thinking about how readers would react, that wasn't really finding my individual voice, was it?
I've been thinking about all of this for a while, processing through it in my mind, but not writing it down. But oddly, I noticed that the last few hours of writing I did, the catch-up blog posts (starting with the one dated May 10, and with the exception of the May 23rd one, which is mostly copied/pasted) - all of which were written before I wrote this post, but after I had been thinking about it for a few days - seemed to flow from me more easily, and feel more like my own voice, than...well, than all the blogs before them. I'm not sure what that means, or if it means anything.
I know that my writing benefits greatly from reading, and I've been reading a lot lately. So I think perhaps I'm going to be in a "receiving" phase for a while, where I take in what others have written but don't "put out there" (for public consumption) anything I write myself. Or maybe not. I really don't know.
I guess ultimately what I'm saying is that Island Daily may not be daily for a while. Or maybe it never will be daily again (perhaps it never truly was daily in the first place). I may simply post a blog when I want to - when I feel like I have something to say, or when I have a picture I would like to share. (I am not, however, going to change the name - Island Occasionally just sounds wrong.) Or I may never publish another post again. I don't know, and I'm intentionally leaving it open ended. Any future blogs may also sound quite different, as I continue to find my voice, which may mean choosing to show some of the darker sides of my nature.
I was given this quote at the end of the writer's workshop I took a few years ago: "It is impossible to discourage the real writers - they don't give a damn what you say, they're going to write." (Sinclair Lewis) I aspire to be that writer, and perhaps when I've found my voice enough to do so without wondering or worrying (or even considering) what blog readers might think, I'll do some real writing here. In my own voice.
In the meantime, until I start blogging again (or perhaps for all time, if I don't ever start blogging again), I truly do wish you well (I'm not a total misanthrope), wherever you are...
Oh, and one last thing for any of you ABC readers reading this and freaking out that you're never going to see a picture of Connor again: don't worry...all of the above doesn't apply to ABC. I don't seem to have any trouble writing in Connor's voice!
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30 comments:
You need a break! Just relax and enjoy your life on Ocracoke. Having lived here a few years more than you you need to get away from the so called "in group" and meet more people that are just as enjoyable.Quit trying so hard at trying to be accepted! Life is to short! Ocracoke is a nice place but you can get overwhelmed if you try to do everything!Take care
Kati,
I look forward to your blogging and admit I check every day....even when I'm away. I have posted to you a couple of times, but should have told you more often how much I enjoy everything you post. However, I do understand the "place" you are at now and fully understand. You have to take care of yourself first and what you are comfortable in doing.
Take care of yourself and I'm hoping some time away will work for you. But, I'll miss you. :-)
Pat..........
I loved and appreciated your honesty, and I can say that I definitely relate to much of what you wrote, too. I love your blog, and will read it when you post it, yet I don't want you to feel obligated. Sometimes you just need to take a break for a while. Life is always changing, and it sounds like you're just rolling with it. :)
Thanks for all of the updated posts. I check your blog almost every day and I do get disappointed when there is nothing new for a long time...BUT....it's your blog and you should do what you want!
I love your stories of Ocracoke life because I love the island so much and always look forward to my always too brief visits.
Thanks again for all of your time and effort!
I, for one, would be sad to see you quit blogging. I check in with your blog regularly and enjoy your style, as well as keeping up on the news of one of my favorite places! Hopefully you won't disappear altogether from the bloggershpere!
Thanks everyone.
Anonymous - you're right about needing a break and needing to relax. I am interested in meeting and enjoying time with most anyone who's interested in doing so with me. (As I said in another post, homemade ice cream doesn't hurt!) Seriously, though, I haven't been intentionally trying to be with the "in group", although apparently it appeared that way (at least to you). I actually have no more idea how to tell who the "in" group is than I do how to keep up with what's "in" fashion. I do love music, and I suppose as a result of that, many of my closest friends are part of the DeepWater Theater/Ocrafolk Festival scene. Anyway, you hit the nail on the head about trying too hard to be accepted. I'm working to transition to trying to be authentically myself (I'm also in the process of discovering just who that is) instead, and not worry so much about whether that self is accepted or not. (I realize there will always be some people who like and accept me more than others, and that's okay.)
Pat - thanks for the kind words. I'm hoping some time away will work for me, too!
Lisa - you are so right about life always changing. I'm learning - slowly - to be better at just rolling with it.
Debbie - thanks for affirming that it's okay for me to think "hey, this is my blog and I can do (or not do) with it what I want". I've thought that a lot, usually in response to a comment that made me feel defensive, but it seemed somehow like a rude or insensitive response, so I never just said so. Of course, the fact that I'm so appreciative of someone else saying it (and therefore "making" it "okay" for me to think it) just means I need more work on this issue of being myself and not worrying so much about what others think! At least I'm consistent...LOL.
And Lisa Carter - just plain thanks! I really enjoy the bloggersphere, and definitely will still hang out there, but maybe more as a reader than as a writer, at least for a while.
Kati, I love reading your blog and I miss it when you don't write but I understand how you feel. I should of written more comments when I read your blog in the past.
I just want you to know that hubby and I LOVE Ocracoke. It's been several years since we were last there. We camped at the Beachcomber in our rv, walked the town, enjoyed the shops/stores, ate at the restaurants, met a lot of nice people, hubby fished on the headboat, loved the peace and quiet of the place. To us it was like heaven on earth!
Just recently I found your blog and I thought geeze, oh how I wish I would of met this gal when we were in Ocracoke. I wanted so bad to know someone from there back then....someone to e-mail with, etc. When I found the Island Daily blog, I was so happy because it was like I found my lost friend.
I love reading your stories about Connor. Our family had a similar situation. You are so awesome for doing what you do and I admire you for that.
Take care of yourself and be happy!
Connie in PA today - next week we'll be at our DE cottage for the summer - but no matter where we are, our hearts are always in Ocracoke!
Kate you're a terrific writer and you're blessed to have a unique perspective about the place that you live, work and love. I've seen some of the somewhat aggressive comments that are left for you and took some of them personally myself -- how DARE someone speak about my favorite island paradise in that way?!?!?!
However, keep in mind that there are some people out there that simply like to amuse themselves by taking shots at others, mostly people that are simple and open and want to do something that is satisfying to them. Philip Howard has had one person that consistently criticizes, is aggressive, less than respectful to other people that comment -- and I believe that he has taken the liberty of removing that person's comments from his journal. That is his right and it makes life much more pleasant.
I check your blog almost daily and love it. Your photos are of the things that most of us would want to see in different ways and are beautiful. I do however, completely understand the need to break away and take some space.
I do hope that you continue writing about your life on Ocracoke, it's one of the ways that I can keep the island close in my heart, as well as with Philip's blog and the Island Free Press.
I'll look forward to what you do publish -- don't let the disrespect of a few people have you give up something that you've clearly taken enjoyment in.
Thanks Connie and Jane, for the kind words. I truly appreciate them.
Connie - we could definitely be friends! You expressed exactly what I used to feel before I moved here - that no matter where I was, my heart was in Ocracoke. (I still feel that way...I'm just blessed now that my body gets to be in the same place as my heart!) And thanks especially for your simple, wonderful advice: "Take care of yourself and be happy!" Good words to live by, indeed.
Jane - thanks for your good advice, too: "don't let the disrespect of a few people have you give up something that you've clearly taken enjoyment in." More good words to live by, and exactly the lesson I need to learn right now. Hopefully I'll be a quick study!
Kati,
After reading your blog regularly over the past few years, it does sound as if you've tried hard to define your identity and self worth based on where you live and who you know and that's never a good route to take.
The first poster obviously knows you and seems to have given some well meaning advice. Home is where you hang your hat and if you are happy with yourself you can be happy no matter where you live and not base your own satisfaction on how you think others perceive you. You know the old saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence....
Your blog seems to have vacillated between a factual news or event based resource and your own musings and self therapy. While this has made for some interesting reading, I can see how it could come across as smug or complacent to some readers. I say this in light of my earlier comment about you trying to find an identity by virtue of where you live and your blog does frequently come across in that regard.
I hope you haven't neglected your other relationships in your quest for an identity and acceptance on Ocracoke. It is a wonderful place, but there are lots of wonderful places in the world. I would encourage you to treasure your authentic friendships; the ones not based on what you do for them, since that is often a one-way road. "Don't Neglect the Rose."
Best of luck to you. I'll check back periodically to see if you've had a change of heart.
Kate,
My wife and I read your blog everyday. We look forward to your Ocracoke updates when they are posted. Many of us live a piece of your island life through your writings.
My suggestion is to eliminate the comments section and free yourself of influences to your craft. Enjoy.
Kati - you cannot imagine my shock when I arrived home from 2 weeks in Ocraheaven and found that the OcraKate I check on everyday was the same person as my new friend Kati! It simply brought me to tears. If I could send you more home-made ice cream, I would indeed!
For years, I have had to write for publication as part of my work, and that is usually more of a chore than a joy. I hope you continue to write when you feel joy about meeting new friends :-) or pride in your community talent show or sadness at a sudden loss.
I doubt any of your readers want you to carry the burden of a daily entry, even if we love reading them!
Seeing Ocracoke through your eyes is a blessing to many. And I, along with others, will do better at 'talking back' to you, so you'll realize how important you are to us!
Trisha
Hi all -
If I've learned one thing from this post and the resulting comments (other than the fact that I apparently have more regular readers than I had any clue of!), it's the imperfection of the written word to explain...well, things that are hard to explain.
I am indeed going through a process of understanding and coming to terms with who I am...and learning to love that person unconditionally. One of my biggest challenges is that I judge myself quite harshly; and one of the ways that I do this self judging is by imagining that others think as poorly of me as I often think of myself.
But it has been interesting to me to see (and hear - I've also had conversations with people about this post) the reactions to my ramblings, and the different interpretations that people made of what I said, some of which weren't exactly what I meant, although I could understand how a person could conclude what he or she concluded based on what I wrote. The written word is powerful, but limited, and the way it is understood is influenced enormously by the life experiences and perspective of the individual reader. I find that fascinating.
Anonymous 2 - I somewhat agree that home is where you hang your hat. I also think that for some people, there is a sense of home which is deeper than merely place and speaks to our inner selves in a way which doesn't necessarily make practical sense to our minds. I had never experienced this sense of home until I moved to North Carolina. (You thought I was going to say Ocracoke, didn't you? It actually started when I lived in Greensboro.) I moved a lot as a child, in terms of distance more than frequency - I grew up in South Africa, and moved to the US at a tender time in my childhood emotional development, which is probably part of the reason for this experience of home being so important to me. And, oddly, I'm perfectly fine with one of the ways that I define myself being "a person who loves Ocracoke". That is one of the very few things I have been - and continue to be - 100% sure of as part of my identity, so it's not part of my struggle. As to whether that seems "smug or complacent" to some readers, there's not a thing I can do about that. As I tried to describe above, that's the limitation of the written word: individual readers interpret it based on their own filters, over which I have no control. I don't feel either smug or complacent about the fact that I get to live where my heart feels at home - I feel incredibly lucky and realize that it's purely grace - undeserved favor and blessing - that brought me (and keeps me) here. I do deeply treasure my authentic friendships - I am blessed that many (but not all) of those friends happen to live here. It's more difficult to keep in touch with friends who are further away (especially since some of mine are in Africa and Europe!), but I do try to do so. Facebook helps. :)
Anonymous 3 - I have often considered turning the comments portion of the blog off. It certainly is the simple, elegant solution and therefore may be the right one. It may, however, be more important for me to learn to deal with feedback than to eliminate or ignore it, so I'm still undecided on this point. But I hugely appreciate the multiple people who have expressed to me the idea of "it's your blog, it can be whatever you want - just do your thing and don't worry about others". There's wisdom in that, while at the same time there's also truth to the fact that one should be aware of one's affect on others (in writing, and in life). The quest for me is finding the balance. Thanks, specifically for saying that you and your wife "live a piece" of island life through the blog - that's what I always hoped it would be for readers, and I love that it is that for at least some.
Trisha - I had the same experience! When I wrote the blog about having ice cream at your house, it originally had a line in it about not being sure if I spelled your name correctly (which I hadn't - I put Tricia initially). Then, after reading a few of the comments to this post, I was looking at the blog "followers" section, clicked on your profile and realized "oh, that's my new friend Trisha!" (And then immediately went back and corrected the spelling!)
Wow, these comments are longer than the original blog post at this point! Thanks everyone for all your thoughts...they have really been a major part of my working through this "identity as a writer and as a person" stuff.
Kati, we've never met but your comment about feeling as if you're **home** in NC hit strongly in me.
I am a coastal girl, having grown up on the beaches of Long Island. They're eerily similar to the OBX beaches and perhaps that's why I fel in love with them as much as I did.
I've lived in Virginia for almost 21 years continuously, 23 intermittently. While I have always loved it here, North Carolina is calling my name and at some point, I'll live there. I first saw Ocracoke in 1988 when I worked for the Red Cross and Norfolk still did the blood drives down there.
I stayed in the Anchorage Inn and all the stuff that is around the lake wasn't there then. Even the houses across the lake weren't there. It was simply breathtaking, although I was only there overnight, I never forgot it.
When I turned into an adult, I started vacationing there and did so for almost 11 years. I brought my children there and they were able to experience the complete freedom of the island, something that is difficult in today's world. I never had to worry about them.
North Carolina is your physical home and my **heart home** but we apparently feel the same way.
I love your writing, wish I was brave enough to do something like this and hope that you continue to keep us updated.
Kati, do what makes you feel good and don't sweat the small stuff! Sorry I didn't get a chance to say "Hi" last week while I was on the Island. I did see you quickly blow in and out of the coffee shop one morning while I was enjoying my coffee and cigar on the front lawn.
Hi Tom! Glad to hear you got a trip to the island recently! Sorry I missed you at the Coffee shop...you're right I did blow in and out of there pretty quickly - I needed to get back home and log in for work, but had a serious smoothie and bagel craving happening!
Jane - sounds like you are definitely a kindred spirit. One of the (many) things I love about living on Ocracoke is that there are many people here who can relate to that sense of being in love with a place. My friend Felicity told me she burst into tears on the ferry the first time she left the island, and that it was a completely visceral, emotional reaction because her conscious mind had not been thinking sad thoughts about leaving. I could totally relate, as the same thing had happened to me! Thanks for your kind words - especially about it being brave to blog. :)
If home is where your hat is, then aren't you lucky to have such a fine hat to hang! :)
So true! And my fine hat is hanging in my bedroom, thanks to you, my fine friend! :) A photo of the hat may be coming soon to a blog near you...
Kati,
The message that rings very clearly to me is that your life on Ocracoke (or NC) have given you time to reflect on life. In my job, I seldom get that time, so "knowing who I am" is a question that I want to work on. And if it's any comfort, your emotions, boredom, elation, etc are all things I experience - I guess I'm trying to say, don't feel alone - there are lots of us "out there" with the same struggles. That's what rings so true throught your blog and what makes it so satisfying to read - I can see myself in much of what you talk about.
The ice cream maker will be a standard part of our trips to Ocracoke until the time, I hope not to distant, that we take up permanent residence.
Gary
Gary - thanks SO much for saying that. Some of my favorite things to read are the ones in which I see myself and realize I am not alone in my human struggles (and joys!), so it is incredibly wonderful and humbling for me to hear that things I have written have done the same for another person. Thanks again!
Maybe Kati is trying hard to find a place for herself here in Ocracoke, and maybe its really important that she feels well liked and accepted. She is a social person. Not all of us are and not all of us care enough to try. Who's to say what's the best way? There's no right or wrong here - just each of us learning our own lessons that need to be learned in this life to move on to the next. As long as we stay open to what life's lessons are for us, that's what's important.
Thanks Anonymous! That was really well said, about the importance of staying open to life's lessons, and there being no right or wrong way to find them.
Well... For someone who "lives where their heart feels at home" you sure spend a lot of time trying to convince everyone (and vis a vis yourself) that it is where you belong. I only say this because your blog is full of you trying desperately to fit in where you will never be a native or local, only a resident. To be valued for what you can do for others must be a terrible thing.
My blog is about my life (well, mostly – occasionally, when I don’t have anything to say, it’s simply information about upcoming activities or events on the island). Anyway, as such, the blog is often about things I do. “Desperately trying to fit in” is YOUR interpretation of the fact that I do those things. I call it enjoying living in this community and showing up at events I think I might find fun.
I blog because I want to write, not to convince anyone of anything (including where I "belong"). I happen to LIVE on Ocracoke, which means I am a part of the community here. I BELONG to Christ.
I won’t ever be a native of Ocracoke (duh!), which is also true of many other people who live here. I’m not sure how you define “local” vs. “resident”, or why you insist on being so exclusive and rejecting.
I agree (partially - more on that in a moment) that “to be valued for what you can do for others” sounds like it might be an awful thing. Fortunately, that’s not how I feel (although it’s apparently your interpretation of something I wrote here). And actually, one might make the case that your sentence is missing the word “only”. There’s nothing wrong with being valued for what one chooses to do for others (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with choosing to do things for others), as long as that’s not the only reason for being valued. And ultimately, when all is said and done, the "value" placed on imperfect human beings by other imperfect human beings is irrelevant.
It seems like reading my blog makes you angry and/or unhappy (although, that’s MY interpretation, and I certainly could be off base). If that IS the case, however, you certainly don’t have to read it. Life’s too short to do things (especially repeatedly) that make you angry or unhappy.
Wow! I think Anonymous is projecting his/her issues on to you. Fasinating in a strange car-wreck kind of way.
Excellent response, Katie. This sounds like the same Anonymous who sends snarky comments to Philip at times. I applaud you for taking the time and energy to reply so intimately to him/her. I would have just ignored such a mean spirited, sarcastic message. And, I do know from personal experience that you "fit in" and are well loved on the island.
Thanks Gary and Trisha -
love you both! (And not just for the ice cream...) :)
Kati,
Nice blog! I've enjoyed reading it from time-to-time and I hope you'll continue writing.
It sounds like the previous anonymous hit a nerve with poor Gary; he must be a transplant too. Haha!
Even though the last anonymous' reply was a bit abrupt, I can personally identify with some of what she/he wrote. As a local in my own small town, it's tough to see the change that goes on when people move in - rising property costs, development, etc. Change is inevitable and sometimes a good thing depending on your perspective. The whole local vs. transplant thing is a touchy subject for some people depending on which side of the fence you happen to fall. If you free yourself from the concern of becoming a local, then you really have nothing to worry about either way. The folks worth knowing will like you for you and it will all work out.
Hopefully, you're able to prosper and flourish there on Ocracoke. In my opinion, true happiness comes from within and is not based on where you live. I'd guess that living next to a sewage treatment plant or hog farm might challenge that theory, but I earnestly believe it holds true in most situations. Enjoy your family - treasure them because when it's all said and done they're the ones that matter. I wouldn't worry too much about what others think of you, especially on your blog as I could hardly think of it as being a basis for anyone to make a complete and meaningful assessment of you as a person. There are a lot of lost souls out there looking for a home and places like Ocracoke (and Asheville and Chapel Hill/Carrboro) seem to attract that type of person. I don't think you need to be amongst those individuals as long as you keep Him in your heart and your priorities where they belong.
Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts on your blog.
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