I finally got annoyed tonight at how far behind the blog has been. So I sat down about 2 hours ago, started typing, and got caught up. Now, here comes a long, stream of consciousness blog about why I might stop blogging entirely.
I started this blog because I wanted to work on my writing. I thought that if I had a "structure" which encouraged me to write every day, I would do so. It mostly worked, although there were many days I skipped writing and then caught up later. The reason I wanted to write every day was I believed (and still believe) that, generally speaking, people get better at anything they practice every day. I wanted to get better at writing. Therefore, I needed to write every day. This is a big part of the reason I named the blog "Island Daily". (Another part was simply that I liked the way that particular phrase sounded.)
So that all worked - the structure of the blog and the name (which I took as a personal challenge) certainly encouraged me to write, if not daily, at least often. Something else happened that I hadn't expected, though. When I decided to write daily
in a public space, I started getting feedback. I had expected - and partially even hoped for - that. What I hadn't been able to anticipate, however, was the types of feedback I would get. And I got many kinds - praising, questioning, argumentative, positive, neutral. I didn't publish every comment I received, but I read - and felt - every single one.
Which brings me to the other thing I hadn't anticipated - the way any feedback (or even a complete lack of feedback) would affect me. Plainly put, I care far too deeply what others think of me. All kinds of feedback had some effect on me. When I got positive feedback like "I read your blog every day", I would think "I had better blog consistently so I won't disappoint that person". I responded to argumentative feedback by feeling defensive, and sometimes I was even rude or snarky in response. When I got no feedback at all (especially for long periods), I questioned whether anyone was even reading the blog, which brought me back to thinking about why I was writing it in the first place - if it was for me, to practice my writing, why did I care whether anyone was reading it?
What I now see started happening as a result of my feelings about the feedback was that the way I wrote (including what topics I chose, and whether I wrote much at all or just posted pictures or copied and pasted items I'd received from others) was becoming, for lack of a better term, managed by my feelings about the feedback. I would think "oh, if I write this, someone will think..." and so I would erase that sentence, or add another to explain it.
I realized that the writing voice I put out here on Island Daily wasn't necessarily a reflection of who I am when two separate commenters called me "pollyanna-ish". I initially thought that these were obviously people who don't know me, because I'm far from pollyanna. I'm seriously cynical, terribly judgmental much more of the time than I should be, often melancholy, and occasionally bordering on becoming a total misanthrope. My life is actually very difficult, much too full, and sometimes mind numbingly boring in its daily sameness (many days, I really just don't have anything to write about). But that person didn't show so much on the blog. Which, in a way, was okay. Island Daily was the place where I intentionally focused on the positive, and on the amazing blessings that are a part of my life because I live on Ocracoke Island.
It was also the place where I was intentionally trying to find my voice. When I started blogging, I had been married for several years, and had recently found myself talking (and thinking) in plural all the time ("we" did this, "we" are planning that). So I was very specific, when I started blogging, to write in first person and try to make it about
my life as an individual human being (even though I just happen to be one half of a married couple). This probably sounds ridiculous to any of you who have not struggled with this issue, but it was huge and important for me.
So where am I going with all this? Well, that individual voice I was trying to find got lost somewhere along the way of having to deal with the feelings I had when I received feedback from readers. Because I was managing my writing based on thinking about how readers would react, that wasn't really finding my individual voice, was it?
I've been thinking about all of this for a while, processing through it in my mind, but not writing it down. But oddly, I noticed that the last few hours of writing I did, the catch-up blog posts (starting with the one dated May 10, and with the exception of the May 23rd one, which is mostly copied/pasted) - all of which were written before I wrote this post, but after I had been thinking about it for a few days - seemed to flow from me more easily, and feel more like my own voice, than...well, than all the blogs before them. I'm not sure what that means, or if it means anything.
I know that my writing benefits greatly from reading, and I've been reading a lot lately. So I think perhaps I'm going to be in a "receiving" phase for a while, where I take in what others have written but don't "put out there" (for public consumption) anything I write myself. Or maybe not. I really don't know.
I guess ultimately what I'm saying is that Island Daily may not be daily for a while. Or maybe it never will be daily again (perhaps it never truly was daily in the first place). I may simply post a blog when I want to - when I feel like I have something to say, or when I have a picture I would like to share. (I am not, however, going to change the name - Island Occasionally just sounds wrong.) Or I may never publish another post again. I don't know, and I'm intentionally leaving it open ended. Any future blogs may also sound quite different, as I continue to find my voice, which may mean choosing to show some of the darker sides of my nature.
I was given this quote at the end of the writer's workshop I took a few years ago: "It is impossible to discourage the real writers - they don't give a damn what you say, they're going to write." (Sinclair Lewis) I aspire to be that writer, and perhaps when I've found my voice enough to do so without wondering or worrying (or even considering) what blog readers might think, I'll do some
real writing here. In my own voice.
In the meantime, until I start blogging again (or perhaps for all time, if I don't ever start blogging again), I truly do wish you well (I'm not a total misanthrope), wherever you are...
Oh, and one last thing for any of you ABC readers reading this and freaking out that you're never going to see a picture of Connor again: don't worry...all of the above doesn't apply to ABC. I don't seem to have any trouble writing in
Connor's voice!